The term “flying monkeys” might sound whimsical, perhaps conjuring images from a children’s story. However, in the context of narcissism and abusive relationships, it carries a much darker and more insidious meaning. Originating from the classic movie The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch of the West commanded winged primates to do her bidding, flying monkeys in real life are individuals who, knowingly or unknowingly, assist a narcissist or abuser in their manipulative and harmful schemes.
It’s crucial to understand that identifying a flying monkey isn’t always straightforward. They often appear as ordinary individuals – friends, family members, or colleagues – who simply seem to be taking sides in a dispute. However, their actions go beyond mere disagreement; they actively contribute to the narcissist’s agenda, often at the expense of the narcissist’s target.
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Defining the Role of a Flying Monkey in Narcissistic Abuse
Flying monkeys are essentially extensions of a narcissist. They act as proxies, carrying out the narcissist’s dirty work, whether it’s spreading rumors, gathering information, or directly harassing the narcissist’s target. Think of them as foot soldiers in the narcissist’s campaign of manipulation and control.
These individuals might be recruited from various aspects of the narcissist’s life, including their own family, friends, or even the victim’s social circle. The narcissist skillfully manipulates these individuals, often playing the victim themselves to gain sympathy and enlist their support. The flying monkey, therefore, becomes an unwitting tool, furthering the abuse without necessarily recognizing the full extent of the harm they are causing.
It’s important to note that not all flying monkeys are malicious individuals consciously seeking to inflict pain. In many cases, they are themselves victims of manipulation, caught in the narcissist’s web of deceit. They may genuinely believe the narcissist’s distorted version of events and see their actions as helpful or supportive, rather than recognizing their role in perpetuating abuse. This lack of awareness can make the situation even more complex and emotionally taxing for the person targeted by the narcissist and their flying monkeys.
Recognizing the Signs: Is Someone a Flying Monkey?
While they may appear innocuous initially, certain behavioral patterns can help identify a flying monkey. Dr. Lauren Kerwin, a licensed clinical psychologist, highlights several key indicators:
- Unwavering Allegiance to the Narcissist: A telltale sign is their consistent siding with the narcissist, regardless of the situation or any evidence presented to the contrary. They dismiss your perspective and automatically validate the narcissist’s viewpoint.
- Gossip and Rumor-Mongering: Flying monkeys often become conduits for spreading negative gossip and rumors about you. They actively participate in damaging your reputation and isolating you socially, echoing the narcissist’s smear campaigns.
- Gaslighting and Manipulation Tactics: They may employ gaslighting techniques, making you question your sanity and perception of reality. They might also manipulate situations to favor the narcissist or undermine your position. Gaslighting, in essence, is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser distorts reality to make the victim doubt their memory, perception, and sanity.
- Trivializing Your Feelings: Your emotions and concerns are consistently dismissed or trivialized. When you express hurt or frustration regarding the narcissist’s behavior, they may minimize it, tell you to “get over it,” or imply you are overreacting.
- Information Relay for Harassment: They actively gather and pass on information about you to the narcissist, knowing it will be used to harass or control you further. This could be seemingly harmless information that the narcissist then twists or weaponizes against you.
Flying monkeys can come from diverse backgrounds and relationships. They might be the narcissist’s close friends, family members, colleagues, or even individuals within your own circle of acquaintances. In some cases, they might even be people you perceive as authority figures, adding another layer of complexity to the situation.
Unpacking the Motives: Why Do People Become Flying Monkeys?
The reasons behind someone becoming a flying monkey are multifaceted and often rooted in manipulation and psychological dynamics. Narcissists are adept at “grooming” potential flying monkeys, often from the early stages of relationships, subtly testing loyalties and manipulating perceptions. They are masters of deflection, often portraying themselves as the victim to garner sympathy and support, thus enlisting their flying monkeys under false pretenses.
Several factors can contribute to someone becoming a flying monkey:
- People-Pleasing Tendencies: Individuals with a strong desire to please others are particularly vulnerable. They may be eager to help and avoid disappointing the narcissist, especially if the narcissist is a friend or family member. This desire to please can override their judgment and empathy for the narcissist’s target.
- Manipulation and Coercion: Narcissists are skilled manipulators. They can coerce individuals into becoming flying monkeys through guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, or playing on their insecurities. Fear of becoming the narcissist’s target themselves can also motivate some to comply.
- Lack of Emotional Intelligence and Empathy: Some flying monkeys may genuinely lack the emotional intelligence or empathy to fully grasp the harm they are participating in. They might be unable to recognize the subtle cues of narcissistic abuse and fail to understand the victim’s perspective.
- Denial and False Beliefs: Flying monkeys may be in denial about the narcissist’s true nature or genuinely believe the narcissist’s fabricated narratives. They might be taken in by the narcissist’s charm and charisma, failing to see the manipulative tactics beneath the surface.
In some instances, underlying psychological conditions can make individuals more susceptible to becoming flying monkeys. For example, individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder themselves might become flying monkeys for another narcissist if they perceive a benefit, such as power, financial gain, or the opportunity to eventually surpass the other narcissist. Similarly, individuals with anxiety might be drawn to the narcissist’s projected confidence and strength, while codependent individuals might find purpose and satisfaction in serving the narcissist’s needs. However, it is crucial to emphasize that having these conditions does not predetermine someone to become a flying monkey.
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Navigating the Storm: How to Deal with Flying Monkeys
Dealing with flying monkeys presents significant challenges, especially when they are deeply embedded in your social or family circles. Dr. Kerwin offers several strategies to navigate these difficult situations:
- Establish Firm Boundaries: Setting clear and firm boundaries is paramount. Communicate to the flying monkey what behavior you will and will not tolerate. Be prepared to enforce these boundaries consistently, even if it means limiting or cutting off contact.
- Avoid Direct Confrontation (with the Flying Monkey about the Narcissist): While it might be tempting to confront the flying monkey and try to make them see the narcissist’s true nature, this often backfires. It can escalate drama and reinforce the flying monkey’s loyalty to the narcissist, who likely portrays you as the aggressor. Focus on your boundaries regarding their behavior towards you.
- Seek Support from Trusted Sources: Lean on trusted friends, family members, or a mental health professional for support. Talking about your experiences and gaining validation can be incredibly helpful in navigating the emotional turmoil. A therapist can provide tailored advice and coping mechanisms.
- Document Instances of Harassment: Keep a record of any instances of harassment or abusive behavior involving the flying monkeys. This documentation can be valuable if you need to involve authorities or take legal action in the future.
- Limit Contact as Much as Possible: Minimize your interactions with flying monkeys to protect yourself from further manipulation and emotional distress. This might involve limiting social media exposure, avoiding certain gatherings, or even detaching from shared social circles if necessary.
Implementing these strategies can be particularly challenging when you are attempting to leave a relationship with a narcissist or cut them out of your life entirely. Narcissists often deploy their flying monkeys as a tactic to pursue and harass their targets even after separation. Complete avoidance might not always be feasible, but maintaining firm boundaries and minimizing engagement remains crucial.
Before making significant life changes, such as ending a relationship with a narcissist, it’s advisable to create a plan and document your reasons for leaving. This preparation can help you stay grounded and resist the narcissist and their flying monkeys’ attempts to distort reality and make you doubt your decisions. Remember, narcissistic abuse can have long-lasting effects on mental health, and seeking professional help is a sign of strength and self-care.
If you are dealing with flying monkeys, remember you are not alone, and support is available. Seeking guidance from a mental health professional can provide you with personalized strategies to navigate this complex situation and protect your well-being.
